Bad

Have you ever seen that Simpsons episode where Homer grows ‘Tomacco’ and all the farm animals get really addicted to it and then when the Tomacco runs out they all get really mad and try to ram through the walls of the farmhouse for the last Tomacco plant? All red eyes and hooves, and snorting nostrils etc:

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Angry Death Bull

I’ve killed your whole family and I’m after you. My name’s Maverick. I’m a professional baseball player and I have a large, dark Magnum mustache. My wife is hot. I make a lot of money. I win. I keep my house really clean and my body is my perfect temple. I never get tired. I murdered my children with a baseball bat..

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The Henchman

My name is Magnum. I work for Maverick at his fencing and poison company. I’m kind of a right hand thug. I kill whoever Maverick says..

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Mad Cowy

I’m an aging Lutheran man with seven children. I wear glasses. I look a little like a thinner Roger Ebert. You see, I’ve had this stroke and my mouth sags and I talk a little funny. I have grey hair and wear many versions of the color blue. I try to be a decent upright citizen and I raise my family with very strict discipline. I stand proud but am somehow always a little feminine or ‘no-ass’. Sometimes I get really angry, that’s when I get all red and frustrated and where my droopy mouth and stroke damage really start to show..

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Crazy Ram

Some know me as ‘Killy’. I’m extremely dangerous. I am a missel of pure murder, a pipe bomb, a shaft of direct death. Boba Fet and a suicide bomb at the mall. I’m about to detonate..

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King Shit

I’m James Earl Jones as the African king in the movie ‘Coming To America’. I smoke huge cigars and kill whole nations with my guerilla wars and expanding plantations..

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Bull Ram

Shhhh.. It is rare to get up this close to wildlife that is this large and this dangerous. You can see by his soft blueish coat and teary shy eyes that he is really a very wild animal indeed. He is not used to such close contact with humans. He might kill you at any moment by sheer accident..

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Whitey

I kill the forests.

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Preen

I play tennis and use tampons. The whole world dies to pay for my lunch. I’m always going the other way. I’m better than you. I’ll ignore you to death..

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Sketchy

We’ll have a fun afternoon together. Then I’ll inject you with heroin and give you food poisoning..

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Scott

Yeah bra, I’ll rock climb you and row you to death. Then I’ll tie you up in my rugby shirt and bury you somewhere.

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Britney

Storm Trooper fake plastic death. First I’ll flirt with you and get you to crush on me in the summer rain, all in my cutoff jeans and flip flops, etc. Then I’ll give you GHB and take you to the water slide park and watch you drown. Then I’ll drive over your skull..

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Infinity

I’ll kill you with my slow banking.

I just glanced out my kitchen window. I saw my really hot neighbor walking up the drive, pushing a wheelbarrow. The late afternoon sun made me squint, and it saturated her whole blessed scene. Her with her white t-shirt and jeans. Her with her hips and her red hair, and her perfect cute face. A nurse, working the land. The poignant thing is, the yard work doesn’t really need to get done. The yard is gorgeous just as it is. She does not have to do anything. No one is paying her a penny to work out in the yard, she just chooses to do it. She wants to. This is how my really hot neighbor is spending her afternoon, being outside in the yard, weeding, smelling the amazing blossoms, and dirt, and the fresh cut grass, bathing in the perfectly cool-warm air, listing to my other really hot neighbor talk, watching the children bike and play their way home from Lincoln, and just pushing the wheelbarrow, pushing it in between the flowers and in between the tall grasses, pushing it up the sun bleached driveway, pushing it in her white t-shirt, and in her jeans, and maybe sweating a little bit, on this perfect May Tuesday afternoon.

I was looking at a picture of my dad gardening this morning. I was so struck by the level of grace and pleasure illustrated in his limbs and posture. Such a thorough yoga, just swimming in enjoyment. My dad liked gardening. That is what is so fascinating about gardens to me, people garden in them because they actually want to. They do an activity that they actually choose. And you can see it, you can drive down the street and you can see people in gardens, gardening, on purpose.

 

Of course it’s not entirely uncommon to come up to someone in their garden and have them immediately call out a defense like, ‘if I don’t get these weeds out of here, they will just take over’ or, ‘I have to get these planted, or else they will never get planted.’ It can sometimes be a vulnerable place, showing yourself to someone when you’re doing something that you really like, something that’s just for you.

The act of a person doing something that they really like, that they really are into, and that maybe takes a little effort, and that is really just for them, and isn’t to please anyone else, this is my single biggest turn-on.

I like jogging around Capitol Lake. And when I see people walking there it makes me so happy, because I know that they are mostly just walking there because they want to. It is not for their job, or for school, it is not to impress people, it will not get them much farther in the world.. Often people are just walking alone. And not even quickly for exercise. Can you imagine that? Direct living proof of people knowing their bitter-sweet mortality, cherishing it, cherishing their lives as they live them, knowing that living their lives is only a small part, and that they are just one person, who lives, and who will die.

It is just you on the land, with wind, the sea, the moon, the bushes, and the dogs. You, and your feelings. People don’t think you’re cool. People don’t think you’re smart. People don’t give you any money. There are no prizes anywhere for taking a walk by yourself. People mostly don’t even see you. It is just your life. And it is short. And it is all for you. You love yourself. You love your life. You love everything. At that is it.