Villians: Collect all 12

Have you ever seen that Simpsons episode where Homer grows ‘Tomacco’ and all the farm animals get really addicted to it and then when the Tomacco runs out they all get really mad and try to ram through the walls of the farmhouse for the last Tomacco plant? All red eyes and hooves, and snorting nostrils etc:

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Angry Death Bull

I’ve killed your whole family and I’m after you. My name’s Maverick. I’m a professional baseball player and I have a large, dark Magnum mustache. My wife is hot. I make a lot of money. I win. I keep my house really clean and my body is my perfect temple. I never get tired. I murdered my children with a baseball bat..

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The Henchman

My name is Magnum. I work for Maverick at his fencing and poison company. I’m kind of a right hand thug. I kill whoever Maverick says..

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Mad Cowy

I’m an aging Lutheran man with seven children. I wear glasses. I look a little like a thinner Roger Ebert. You see, I’ve had this stroke and my mouth sags and I talk a little funny. I have grey hair and wear many versions of the color blue. I try to be a decent upright citizen and I raise my family with very strict discipline. I stand proud but am somehow always a little feminine or ‘no-ass’. Sometimes I get really angry, that’s when I get all red and frustrated and where my droopy mouth and stroke damage really start to show..

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Crazy Ram

Some know me as ‘Killy’. I’m extremely dangerous. I am a missel of pure murder, a pipe bomb, a shaft of direct death. Boba Fet and a suicide bomb at the mall. I’m about to detonate..

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King Shit

I’m James Earl Jones as the African king in the movie ‘Coming To America’. I smoke huge cigars and kill whole nations with my guerilla wars and expanding plantations..

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Bull Ram

Shhhh.. It is rare to get up this close to wildlife that is this large and this dangerous. You can see by his soft blueish coat and teary shy eyes that he is really a very wild animal indeed. He is not used to such close contact with humans. He might kill you at any moment by sheer accident..

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Whitey

I kill the forests.

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Preen

I play tennis and use tampons. The whole world dies to pay for my lunch. I’m always going the other way. I’m better than you. I’ll ignore you to death..

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Sketchy

We’ll have a fun afternoon together. Then I’ll inject you with heroin and give you food poisoning..

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Scott

Yeah bra, I’ll rock climb you and row you to death. Then I’ll tie you up in my rugby shirt and bury you somewhere.

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Britney

Storm Trooper fake plastic death. First I’ll flirt with you and get you to crush on me in the summer rain, all in my cutoff jeans and flip flops, etc. Then I’ll give you GHB and take you to the water slide park and watch you drown. Then I’ll drive over your skull..

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Infinity

I’ll kill you with my slow banking.

3 Responses to “Villians: Collect all 12”

  1. Amber Says:

    Totally amazing.

  2. David Says:

    First time listener, long time talker. You’re becming something!

  3. Luke Says:

    Oh, goddanmit. Reading the minds of dem cute little machines. I wanna put this gallery in my zine. Absolute genius.

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